STRICTLY ACCORDING TO PRECEDENT.
“ The concentration of the various departments of the War-Office and the Admiralty has long been recognised as one of the most important requirements of the public service..............Whitehall will bo equally divided between the War-Office and the Admiralty.” —Morning Paper.
Scene—Hall of the Proposed Combined Naval and Military Office.
Enter One of the Public, as an Inquirer, timidly.
Inquirer (after waiting ten minutes, addressing Intelligent Messenger). Oh, can you tell me-----? .
Intelligent Messenger (promptly). Yes, Sir, certainly, Sir. Public or private business, Sir P
I. Oh, it isn’t private, it’s----- I. M. (cutting him short). Something about a contract, no doubt, Sir P I. (hesitating). Well, yes-----
I. 31. To be sure, Sir. Well, you had better go to Sub-Division 7—or, no, perhaps to Room G. Yes, I think Room G would do, Sir. I. Thank you. Can you direct me ?
I. 31. Certainly, Sir. Down that passage, Sir, up that gallery, through the corridor. Then up two flights of stairs, and then turn to the right.
(.Attending to someone else.) Public or private business, Sir ?
[Inquirer disappears, and, after some difficulty, stumbles into Room F, which is occupied by three Officials busily engaged in doing nothing in particular. Inquirer (timidly). Oh, if you please-----
Junior Official (sharply). About naval cocked-hats P I. No—not exactly.
J. O. Then we can’t attend to you. Better try the Military side.
I. The Messenger told me that perhaps Sub-Division 7 would suit me.
J. O. Very likely—try it.
I. Could you kindly tell me where it is ?
J. O. Haven’t the faintest idea. Good morning! Shut the door after you.
[Inquirer retires, and after traversing (at the contrary direction of various Messengers) about a quarter of a mile of passages and staircases, at length reaches
Sub-Division 7. It is a large apartment, occupied by four Officials as busily engaged in doing nothing in particular as those he has already seen. Inquirer (timidly). Oh, if you please-----
Senior Official. Yes—you have come about sentryboxes ?
I. No—not exactly.
S. O. Then we can’t help you. Try the Naval side. I. I have tried the Naval side, and----
S. O. Quite so. But as your business is not relative to sentry-boxes, we can’t assist you. Good morning!
[Inquirer retires, opens a door in the same passage, and suddenly finds himself face to face with an angrylooking Gentleman in fierce moustaches.
Angry-looking Gentleman {exploding). Here! Hi I Here! Mr. Fitz-Plantagenet ! Mr. Fitz-Plantagenet !
Private Secretary (entering hurriedly and removing Inquirer). What do you mean, Sir, by intruding upon the privacy of the Head of a great Military Department ?
I. I am very sorry, Sir, but I wanted information----- Priv. Sec. (severely). Then obtain it in the proper way. [Disappears, leaving Inquirer in the passage.
Inquirer. I won’t be beaten. I will try another.
[.Enters another room in same passage, and discovers a
good-natured looking old Gentleman in spectacles.
Good-natured Old Gent, (heartily). Ah ! here you are at last! 1 am glad you have come yourself, as I think it right to tell you that the champagne you sent in is quite a different brand from-----
Inquirer (puzzled). I beg your pardon-----
Good-natured Old Gent, (taking in the situation). Ha ! ha! ha! (Calling out.) Singleton ! Singleton! Come here, my boy! (Enter Private Secretary.) I say, Singleton—never had such a joke in my life. Ha! ha! ha! I took this gentleman for my wine-merchant. And he’s come on public business ! Take him away. Good day, Sir. Mr. Singleton, will attend to you. Ha ! ha ! ha!
Private Secretary (after regaining the passage). I say, he’s a kind-hearted old fellow, don’t you know, but you
oughtn’t to invade a Naval Lord in that way. Never mind ; don’t do it again. [Exit into his own room.
Inquirer (losing his temper). They don’t know me if they think I am going to submit to this sort of thing !
[ Tries half-a-dozen departments, with the result of learning that they deal respectively and exclusively
with Cavalry Sabretaches, Naval Stores, Military Schoolmasters, Pay of Ship s Carpenters, Army
Chaplains, Field Allowances, and Tarpaulin Coverings for Sheet-Anchors.
Inquirer (exhausted). I must continue my journey tomorrow. (Seeing Intelligent Messenger.) Will you please show me the way out ?
I. 31. Certainly, Sir, first turning to the right, second to the left, then turn down the corridor, go up a stair
case, and ask again. (Recognising his questioner.) Hope you have found out what you wanted, Sir P
I. No, I haven’t. It is most annoying. I have come about an invention. .
I. M. (smiling). An invention, Sir ! Oh, I, or anyone else in the Combined Department (even the smallest
paperboy) could have told you all about that, Sir.
I. Oh, you could—could you P And what could you have tola me ?
I. 31. No offence, Sir—only save you trouble, Sir. Whatever your invention is, Sir, you may be sure it won t be wanted !
(Exeunt severally. Curtain.)
The Rose and the Ring; or, under the one and in the other. Medal struck to commemorate the recent Treasury Prosecution under the Betting Act.
Bourke and Turk. Medal struck by the Sultan to commemorate an eminently
satisfactory settlement.
Medal to commemorate the existence of the Typhoid Beds and Fever Dens of
London, 1881.
“ The concentration of the various departments of the War-Office and the Admiralty has long been recognised as one of the most important requirements of the public service..............Whitehall will bo equally divided between the War-Office and the Admiralty.” —Morning Paper.
Scene—Hall of the Proposed Combined Naval and Military Office.
Enter One of the Public, as an Inquirer, timidly.
Inquirer (after waiting ten minutes, addressing Intelligent Messenger). Oh, can you tell me-----? .
Intelligent Messenger (promptly). Yes, Sir, certainly, Sir. Public or private business, Sir P
I. Oh, it isn’t private, it’s----- I. M. (cutting him short). Something about a contract, no doubt, Sir P I. (hesitating). Well, yes-----
I. 31. To be sure, Sir. Well, you had better go to Sub-Division 7—or, no, perhaps to Room G. Yes, I think Room G would do, Sir. I. Thank you. Can you direct me ?
I. 31. Certainly, Sir. Down that passage, Sir, up that gallery, through the corridor. Then up two flights of stairs, and then turn to the right.
(.Attending to someone else.) Public or private business, Sir ?
[Inquirer disappears, and, after some difficulty, stumbles into Room F, which is occupied by three Officials busily engaged in doing nothing in particular. Inquirer (timidly). Oh, if you please-----
Junior Official (sharply). About naval cocked-hats P I. No—not exactly.
J. O. Then we can’t attend to you. Better try the Military side.
I. The Messenger told me that perhaps Sub-Division 7 would suit me.
J. O. Very likely—try it.
I. Could you kindly tell me where it is ?
J. O. Haven’t the faintest idea. Good morning! Shut the door after you.
[Inquirer retires, and after traversing (at the contrary direction of various Messengers) about a quarter of a mile of passages and staircases, at length reaches
Sub-Division 7. It is a large apartment, occupied by four Officials as busily engaged in doing nothing in particular as those he has already seen. Inquirer (timidly). Oh, if you please-----
Senior Official. Yes—you have come about sentryboxes ?
I. No—not exactly.
S. O. Then we can’t help you. Try the Naval side. I. I have tried the Naval side, and----
S. O. Quite so. But as your business is not relative to sentry-boxes, we can’t assist you. Good morning!
[Inquirer retires, opens a door in the same passage, and suddenly finds himself face to face with an angrylooking Gentleman in fierce moustaches.
Angry-looking Gentleman {exploding). Here! Hi I Here! Mr. Fitz-Plantagenet ! Mr. Fitz-Plantagenet !
Private Secretary (entering hurriedly and removing Inquirer). What do you mean, Sir, by intruding upon the privacy of the Head of a great Military Department ?
I. I am very sorry, Sir, but I wanted information----- Priv. Sec. (severely). Then obtain it in the proper way. [Disappears, leaving Inquirer in the passage.
Inquirer. I won’t be beaten. I will try another.
[.Enters another room in same passage, and discovers a
good-natured looking old Gentleman in spectacles.
Good-natured Old Gent, (heartily). Ah ! here you are at last! 1 am glad you have come yourself, as I think it right to tell you that the champagne you sent in is quite a different brand from-----
Inquirer (puzzled). I beg your pardon-----
Good-natured Old Gent, (taking in the situation). Ha ! ha! ha! (Calling out.) Singleton ! Singleton! Come here, my boy! (Enter Private Secretary.) I say, Singleton—never had such a joke in my life. Ha! ha! ha! I took this gentleman for my wine-merchant. And he’s come on public business ! Take him away. Good day, Sir. Mr. Singleton, will attend to you. Ha ! ha ! ha!
Private Secretary (after regaining the passage). I say, he’s a kind-hearted old fellow, don’t you know, but you
oughtn’t to invade a Naval Lord in that way. Never mind ; don’t do it again. [Exit into his own room.
Inquirer (losing his temper). They don’t know me if they think I am going to submit to this sort of thing !
[ Tries half-a-dozen departments, with the result of learning that they deal respectively and exclusively
with Cavalry Sabretaches, Naval Stores, Military Schoolmasters, Pay of Ship s Carpenters, Army
Chaplains, Field Allowances, and Tarpaulin Coverings for Sheet-Anchors.
Inquirer (exhausted). I must continue my journey tomorrow. (Seeing Intelligent Messenger.) Will you please show me the way out ?
I. 31. Certainly, Sir, first turning to the right, second to the left, then turn down the corridor, go up a stair
case, and ask again. (Recognising his questioner.) Hope you have found out what you wanted, Sir P
I. No, I haven’t. It is most annoying. I have come about an invention. .
I. M. (smiling). An invention, Sir ! Oh, I, or anyone else in the Combined Department (even the smallest
paperboy) could have told you all about that, Sir.
I. Oh, you could—could you P And what could you have tola me ?
I. 31. No offence, Sir—only save you trouble, Sir. Whatever your invention is, Sir, you may be sure it won t be wanted !
(Exeunt severally. Curtain.)
PUNCH’S PRIZE MEDALS.
The Rose and the Ring; or, under the one and in the other. Medal struck to commemorate the recent Treasury Prosecution under the Betting Act.
Bourke and Turk. Medal struck by the Sultan to commemorate an eminently
satisfactory settlement.
Medal to commemorate the existence of the Typhoid Beds and Fever Dens of
London, 1881.