NOTES FROM THE DIARY OF A CITY WAITER.
LL us City Waiters has our long Voca
tion the same as other perfessional people, and so direcly August comes, off I goes to Margate, the Cockney Parydice as sumbody called it, and here I am
for a few weaks,
hoping to pick up a job or two now and then as usual,
and in the society of many of my
noble Patrons. I never see Margate so full of Masters and Wardens and Chairmen.
My Life here is very plessent for a time. I break
fasts late and I dines early and makes a good Tea,
and then just a little bit of supper and off to bed. If the weather’s fine I takes my bag of srimps and my City Press, and goes to the Jetty, or the Sands, according to suckumstances, and whiles away a nidle our.
I never bathe in the Sea, it don’t seem quite consistent with my persition. There’s a want of dignity in appearing almost nood in public, that to me is simply intollerabble!
Perhaps the height of human injyment would he Manshun Ouse Feeding with a Margate appetite. Here’s a Fillysoffick sayin’ — Them as has plenty to eat has no appytites, and them as has splendid appytites hasn’t enough to eat. It reminds me of the remark as was made by the Unfortnit Nubbleman now languishing &c. wich he said about branes.
Feeling yesterday just the least bit in the world tired of setting all day on the sands, eating srimps and listening to the Niggers, I went for a change on a little egskursion to Westgate. Just the place I thought to spend a appy day. Well I have seen and heard of strange places in my long and waried egsperience, but for reg’lar quiet and sleepyness and lazyness, Westgate beats ’em oiler. Of course I went and sat on the Beech, and, I hardly expex to be beleived when I say, there warn’t a single Nigger, nor a Minsterel, nor no Brass Ban, not even a Organ! No, and hardly a donkey to
be seen, the Brown says that when I was there the hobservashun was soupufflus. I can’t make out what the People does to amuse theirsels at Westgate. They seemed to be all a reeding or a chat
ting or a larfing, and some on ’em was a setting and a staring at the Sea and the Clouds and the Ships or some such rubbish, and yet they all seemed quite appy and contented.
Ah, it’s the old storey, they’re quite content because they don’t know of nothink better. And yet within 2 or 3 miles of ’em there’s all the joys of Margate reddy to their hands.
How the gratest blessings of life is waisted on some people, and how thankful ort we to be who are able to apreshiate ’em all.
I went up to town and to Gildhall on Wensday to see the Lord Mare elected. I wanted to see what sort of a Rite Honerable Gent we was to have next year. I was told he was to be a Skotchman, and of course that made me rather ankshus. I don’t much care for Skotchmen as a rule, they ’re sumtimes dreadful near in small things, and its principally small things as affects grate men. I know several of the Beeduls of the Gills, so I’d no difficulty in getting in, and wen the Common Sergent told the Common Crier to order every person as wasn’t a Liveryman to leave the All on pain of imprisonment, I larfed like the rest on ’em. It was the fust apearance of the new Sheriffs’ footmen’s Liverys, and they certinly did look gorjus. Why they must ha’ had Gold Lace enuff upon ’em to make a Feeld Marshell. Some one said that though the Sheriffs bort their Servants Liverys, they only highered their lovely Car
ridges. I don’t believe it. The Sheriff as highers his Carridge lowers his Dignity!
Brown said he was told this was to be the last time as a Alderman was to be Lord Mare; for a Mr. Froth was a going to pass a Act of Parlyment to make a Dook the next Lord Mare!
What rubbish! Why the Queen can make a Dook, and all that; but she can’t make a Lord Mare. There’s about a score of Dooks, I’m told, but only one Lord Mare.
How werry pertickler they are to have the Elekshun all straight. Why they akshally turns out the Lord Mare and all the Aldermen before the elekshun begins, for fear the Liverymen should be afraid to do as they likes while they was a looking at ’em. But they kept the oldest on ’em, Aldmn Mac Arthur, there; and sumboddy with a very loud voice asked him a lot of questshuns, some on ’em such preshus long ones, that I wundred how he could remember ’em.
But Brown told me it was all settled beforand; and the Aiderman knowed what he was going to be asked, and the man with the loud voice knowed what be was a going to answer. Lor, what a lot of humbug there is in this Mortial World! I’m told if the loud
voiced Gent doesn’t ask any werry orkud questshun, he gits asked to dinner wunce or twice.
There was lots of Aldermen as wanted to be Lord Mare, and their names was all put up on a bord, but they don’t seem a wery poplar set, for some on ’em couldn’t get a single hand held up for ’em. Why if I was one on ’em and kep a shop or a warehouse, as they do, I
should send all my shopmen and my clerks to voat for me, it seems so wery hard not to have a single voat. After the Sheriffs had told us as Aldmun MacArthur was dewly elected, the Lord Mare and the Aldermen, which, poor fellows, had been kep waiting outside, were allowed to come in again and see what was going on. Then Sir Henry Beak, who I spose is a Majistrate, asked us to do the rite
thing, and so we thanked the Lord Mare, and then we thanked the Sheriffs, and then we thanked somebody else under the Sheriffs, and said as how their never had been such a set afore, which would have all been more satisfactory if I hadn’t rekkylektid that we said just egsackly the same thing last year, and the year before, and the year before that, and then they all returned thanks, just as if we wos at dinner, and said as how it was the proudest day of their lives, but all on ’em looked preshus sorry that their year of glory were over,
and went back to their varrus biznissis, without their grand robes and chains, sadder and plainer, if not wiser men.
Well, Hornimenx is Hornimenx, but give me life without chains, sez I. (Signed) Robert.
THE MID-CHANNEL ROBBER.
(A Suggestion for a Nautical Sensation Drama. )
“ If a detective accompanied the tidal train, I think the robberies would cease... The public, I think, have a right to the Companies’ protection. ”— Correspondent to a Daily Paper.
Cene — ’Tween-decks on board the good steam
ship “Albert-Dover
Victor-Calais.” Pale Passengers discovered feebly braving the ter
rors of the Mighty Deep. A storm raging. Thunder, ightning and rain.
Enter the Chief Steward stealthily. He pauses, opens a large note-book, and is about to solilo
quise when he is called away by a Passenger.
Chief Steward (closing note-book, and not unkindly). Yes, Sir?
First Passenger (faintly). I want to tell you that —
Chief Steward (inter
rupting). Good Sir, I know your story! ’Tis indeed a sad one! You would say that the bag you carried on board is gone. Yes — the little all — the produce of
hours, nay days, nay years of honest toil — has been taken from you! Oh, shame upon the heartless wretch who robbed you!
He has not left you the tickets that otherwise ’twould have been my duty to demand of ye! Is’t not so?
First Passenger (more faintly). Aye, indeed! But I care not for that (with an effort explaining himself). Just at present I am in feeble health, Steward, and would ask your help.
Chief Steward (heartily). And in good time, honest Sir, you shall have it! I am here to protect ye — to succour ye! Nay, no more — I am summoned by another, and must leave ye! Farewell, sweet Sir, for a time farewell! [Moves off,
Second Passenger (most faintly). Steward!
LL us City Waiters has our long Voca
tion the same as other perfessional people, and so direcly August comes, off I goes to Margate, the Cockney Parydice as sumbody called it, and here I am
for a few weaks,
hoping to pick up a job or two now and then as usual,
and in the society of many of my
noble Patrons. I never see Margate so full of Masters and Wardens and Chairmen.
My Life here is very plessent for a time. I break
fasts late and I dines early and makes a good Tea,
and then just a little bit of supper and off to bed. If the weather’s fine I takes my bag of srimps and my City Press, and goes to the Jetty, or the Sands, according to suckumstances, and whiles away a nidle our.
I never bathe in the Sea, it don’t seem quite consistent with my persition. There’s a want of dignity in appearing almost nood in public, that to me is simply intollerabble!
Perhaps the height of human injyment would he Manshun Ouse Feeding with a Margate appetite. Here’s a Fillysoffick sayin’ — Them as has plenty to eat has no appytites, and them as has splendid appytites hasn’t enough to eat. It reminds me of the remark as was made by the Unfortnit Nubbleman now languishing &c. wich he said about branes.
Feeling yesterday just the least bit in the world tired of setting all day on the sands, eating srimps and listening to the Niggers, I went for a change on a little egskursion to Westgate. Just the place I thought to spend a appy day. Well I have seen and heard of strange places in my long and waried egsperience, but for reg’lar quiet and sleepyness and lazyness, Westgate beats ’em oiler. Of course I went and sat on the Beech, and, I hardly expex to be beleived when I say, there warn’t a single Nigger, nor a Minsterel, nor no Brass Ban, not even a Organ! No, and hardly a donkey to
be seen, the Brown says that when I was there the hobservashun was soupufflus. I can’t make out what the People does to amuse theirsels at Westgate. They seemed to be all a reeding or a chat
ting or a larfing, and some on ’em was a setting and a staring at the Sea and the Clouds and the Ships or some such rubbish, and yet they all seemed quite appy and contented.
Ah, it’s the old storey, they’re quite content because they don’t know of nothink better. And yet within 2 or 3 miles of ’em there’s all the joys of Margate reddy to their hands.
How the gratest blessings of life is waisted on some people, and how thankful ort we to be who are able to apreshiate ’em all.
I went up to town and to Gildhall on Wensday to see the Lord Mare elected. I wanted to see what sort of a Rite Honerable Gent we was to have next year. I was told he was to be a Skotchman, and of course that made me rather ankshus. I don’t much care for Skotchmen as a rule, they ’re sumtimes dreadful near in small things, and its principally small things as affects grate men. I know several of the Beeduls of the Gills, so I’d no difficulty in getting in, and wen the Common Sergent told the Common Crier to order every person as wasn’t a Liveryman to leave the All on pain of imprisonment, I larfed like the rest on ’em. It was the fust apearance of the new Sheriffs’ footmen’s Liverys, and they certinly did look gorjus. Why they must ha’ had Gold Lace enuff upon ’em to make a Feeld Marshell. Some one said that though the Sheriffs bort their Servants Liverys, they only highered their lovely Car
ridges. I don’t believe it. The Sheriff as highers his Carridge lowers his Dignity!
Brown said he was told this was to be the last time as a Alderman was to be Lord Mare; for a Mr. Froth was a going to pass a Act of Parlyment to make a Dook the next Lord Mare!
What rubbish! Why the Queen can make a Dook, and all that; but she can’t make a Lord Mare. There’s about a score of Dooks, I’m told, but only one Lord Mare.
How werry pertickler they are to have the Elekshun all straight. Why they akshally turns out the Lord Mare and all the Aldermen before the elekshun begins, for fear the Liverymen should be afraid to do as they likes while they was a looking at ’em. But they kept the oldest on ’em, Aldmn Mac Arthur, there; and sumboddy with a very loud voice asked him a lot of questshuns, some on ’em such preshus long ones, that I wundred how he could remember ’em.
But Brown told me it was all settled beforand; and the Aiderman knowed what he was going to be asked, and the man with the loud voice knowed what be was a going to answer. Lor, what a lot of humbug there is in this Mortial World! I’m told if the loud
voiced Gent doesn’t ask any werry orkud questshun, he gits asked to dinner wunce or twice.
There was lots of Aldermen as wanted to be Lord Mare, and their names was all put up on a bord, but they don’t seem a wery poplar set, for some on ’em couldn’t get a single hand held up for ’em. Why if I was one on ’em and kep a shop or a warehouse, as they do, I
should send all my shopmen and my clerks to voat for me, it seems so wery hard not to have a single voat. After the Sheriffs had told us as Aldmun MacArthur was dewly elected, the Lord Mare and the Aldermen, which, poor fellows, had been kep waiting outside, were allowed to come in again and see what was going on. Then Sir Henry Beak, who I spose is a Majistrate, asked us to do the rite
thing, and so we thanked the Lord Mare, and then we thanked the Sheriffs, and then we thanked somebody else under the Sheriffs, and said as how their never had been such a set afore, which would have all been more satisfactory if I hadn’t rekkylektid that we said just egsackly the same thing last year, and the year before, and the year before that, and then they all returned thanks, just as if we wos at dinner, and said as how it was the proudest day of their lives, but all on ’em looked preshus sorry that their year of glory were over,
and went back to their varrus biznissis, without their grand robes and chains, sadder and plainer, if not wiser men.
Well, Hornimenx is Hornimenx, but give me life without chains, sez I. (Signed) Robert.
THE MID-CHANNEL ROBBER.
(A Suggestion for a Nautical Sensation Drama. )
“ If a detective accompanied the tidal train, I think the robberies would cease... The public, I think, have a right to the Companies’ protection. ”— Correspondent to a Daily Paper.
Cene — ’Tween-decks on board the good steam
ship “Albert-Dover
Victor-Calais.” Pale Passengers discovered feebly braving the ter
rors of the Mighty Deep. A storm raging. Thunder, ightning and rain.
Enter the Chief Steward stealthily. He pauses, opens a large note-book, and is about to solilo
quise when he is called away by a Passenger.
Chief Steward (closing note-book, and not unkindly). Yes, Sir?
First Passenger (faintly). I want to tell you that —
Chief Steward (inter
rupting). Good Sir, I know your story! ’Tis indeed a sad one! You would say that the bag you carried on board is gone. Yes — the little all — the produce of
hours, nay days, nay years of honest toil — has been taken from you! Oh, shame upon the heartless wretch who robbed you!
He has not left you the tickets that otherwise ’twould have been my duty to demand of ye! Is’t not so?
First Passenger (more faintly). Aye, indeed! But I care not for that (with an effort explaining himself). Just at present I am in feeble health, Steward, and would ask your help.
Chief Steward (heartily). And in good time, honest Sir, you shall have it! I am here to protect ye — to succour ye! Nay, no more — I am summoned by another, and must leave ye! Farewell, sweet Sir, for a time farewell! [Moves off,
Second Passenger (most faintly). Steward!