A LAST WORD (FOR THE PRESENT) WITH THE
DUKE OF MUDFORD, K. G.
If I were not only a great Duke, but the bearer of a great historic name — the descendant of Patriots and Statesmen — of men who held even their precious lives as nothing when weighed against the public good; if I had been selected by my Queen for the highest decoration it is in her power to bestow; if I had boundless wealth, and all the
influence which springs naturally from Money and Title, I would not live a worse than useless life — a pestilential existence; I would not stand in the eyes of my fellow-men — I would not go down to posterity — as the Lord of Muck — the Great Owner of a Leviathan Nuisance; I would try with all my heart and soul to leave this miserable world a little better than I found it; I would oast off my hireling agents; I would turn a deaf ear to parochial and official toadies, who fatten on every public pest and scandal, and leave others, like myself, to bear the blame; I would not eat, drink, or sleep until I had descended into the lowest depths of my filthy property; I would listen to the blasphemy of the struggling crowd; I
would smell the stench, I would watch the green and slimy gutters — the vegetable refuse baking in the sun; I would beard the demon Typhoid in my den, and in twenty-four hours, at whatever cost, I would sweep this mass of corruption from the heart of London.
If I closed my palaces, if I discharged my gamekeepers and sold my hunters, if I mortgaged my land and pawned my pictures, if I had to live upon a pauper’s diet, I would buy up or strangle “Vested Interests, ” I would let in light, and air, and water into
the darkest corners of my property, and what my ancestors left me as Mud, I would leave to my successors as Marble. I would not use my “rights” and my position to ride roughshod over the population
of the largest city in the Universe. I would try to be a blessing,
instead of a curse, to London. I would not wait to have things done in a tempest of popular wrath, which I have the power and feel I ought to do myself as a matter of simple justice. I would act, in short, not as a wretched Duke of Mudford, but as one who was worthy to bear the greater name of Russell. Junius Punch
THE MEDICAL MONTH.
(An Ode for October. )
’Tis October. Now the Medical young Students all get ready,
For the Session, not so steady as perchance they ought to be; But with neither Dons nor Proctors, they turn out expert concocters Of our physic, useful Doctors, though they sometimes loved a
“spree. ”
They will learn the bones and muscles, and have stout mnemonic tussles,
As each word another hustles — oh, those anatomic names! And they 11 study meningitis, measles, fever, and bronchitis,
For your Medico’s delight is to know all about our frames.
From their studies when they start ’em, let us hope that nought will part ’em,
Till they’ve learnt secundum artem to do all that in them lies: I hough ars longa vita brevis, yet to win a short reprieve is
All they aim at, to relieve is what a sage physician tries.
So at King’s, or Barts, ” or Charing Cross, or Guy’s they’ll enter
sharing
In the lectures, little caring for the wonders that they see; But when past the preparations for the stiff examinations,
May they win congratulations on attaining the M. D.
WORTHY OF STUDY.
Flowers of speech? No; some speeches of Flowers’, at Bow Street.
The real Pisce at any Price Party. — The man who pays a fancy figure for a Stall.
Quite out of Place in the Programme of a Temperance Féte.
Performance on a tight-rope.
LA POLITESSE. (A FACT. )
Scene — A French Tramway Car, so full that Mrs. Parker and her sister Maria have to stand the whole way.
Mrs. Parker (who is tired and rather cross). “I wonder how long two French Ladies would have to stand, Maria, in a
Publio Conveyance full of Englishmen! ”
DUKE OF MUDFORD, K. G.
If I were not only a great Duke, but the bearer of a great historic name — the descendant of Patriots and Statesmen — of men who held even their precious lives as nothing when weighed against the public good; if I had been selected by my Queen for the highest decoration it is in her power to bestow; if I had boundless wealth, and all the
influence which springs naturally from Money and Title, I would not live a worse than useless life — a pestilential existence; I would not stand in the eyes of my fellow-men — I would not go down to posterity — as the Lord of Muck — the Great Owner of a Leviathan Nuisance; I would try with all my heart and soul to leave this miserable world a little better than I found it; I would oast off my hireling agents; I would turn a deaf ear to parochial and official toadies, who fatten on every public pest and scandal, and leave others, like myself, to bear the blame; I would not eat, drink, or sleep until I had descended into the lowest depths of my filthy property; I would listen to the blasphemy of the struggling crowd; I
would smell the stench, I would watch the green and slimy gutters — the vegetable refuse baking in the sun; I would beard the demon Typhoid in my den, and in twenty-four hours, at whatever cost, I would sweep this mass of corruption from the heart of London.
If I closed my palaces, if I discharged my gamekeepers and sold my hunters, if I mortgaged my land and pawned my pictures, if I had to live upon a pauper’s diet, I would buy up or strangle “Vested Interests, ” I would let in light, and air, and water into
the darkest corners of my property, and what my ancestors left me as Mud, I would leave to my successors as Marble. I would not use my “rights” and my position to ride roughshod over the population
of the largest city in the Universe. I would try to be a blessing,
instead of a curse, to London. I would not wait to have things done in a tempest of popular wrath, which I have the power and feel I ought to do myself as a matter of simple justice. I would act, in short, not as a wretched Duke of Mudford, but as one who was worthy to bear the greater name of Russell. Junius Punch
THE MEDICAL MONTH.
(An Ode for October. )
’Tis October. Now the Medical young Students all get ready,
For the Session, not so steady as perchance they ought to be; But with neither Dons nor Proctors, they turn out expert concocters Of our physic, useful Doctors, though they sometimes loved a
“spree. ”
They will learn the bones and muscles, and have stout mnemonic tussles,
As each word another hustles — oh, those anatomic names! And they 11 study meningitis, measles, fever, and bronchitis,
For your Medico’s delight is to know all about our frames.
From their studies when they start ’em, let us hope that nought will part ’em,
Till they’ve learnt secundum artem to do all that in them lies: I hough ars longa vita brevis, yet to win a short reprieve is
All they aim at, to relieve is what a sage physician tries.
So at King’s, or Barts, ” or Charing Cross, or Guy’s they’ll enter
sharing
In the lectures, little caring for the wonders that they see; But when past the preparations for the stiff examinations,
May they win congratulations on attaining the M. D.
WORTHY OF STUDY.
Flowers of speech? No; some speeches of Flowers’, at Bow Street.
The real Pisce at any Price Party. — The man who pays a fancy figure for a Stall.
Quite out of Place in the Programme of a Temperance Féte.
Performance on a tight-rope.
LA POLITESSE. (A FACT. )
Scene — A French Tramway Car, so full that Mrs. Parker and her sister Maria have to stand the whole way.
Mrs. Parker (who is tired and rather cross). “I wonder how long two French Ladies would have to stand, Maria, in a
Publio Conveyance full of Englishmen! ”