“OPTICS.”
Lecturer. “Now let an yoke gaze steadfastly on any Object—say, for instance, his Wife’s Eye—and he ll see himself looking so exceedingly small, that -- ” Strong-minded Lady (in Front Row). “Hear! Hear! Hear!”
“CHARITY” COVERS A MULTITUDE OF SINS!
(A Fragment from the Diary of our paid Philanthropist.)
His appearance moved me strangely. He had a pale cheek, a bloodshot eye, an air of chronic depression. And yet he had evidently moved in the best society, had fared upon the choicest viands of tho pastrycook’s art. I continued our conversation.
“ You have met the Duke of Loamshire ? ” I suggested.
“ Frequently,” he replied. “In fact, we are always dining together. You must know him—little man, with Jewish nose, who stutters fearfully.”
“No,” 1 admitted humbly; “I confess I have not the honour of his Grace’s acquaintance. And I think you said that you had come across Mr. Cabinet Seat, a distinguished Member of the last Government? ”
“Certainly. He bothers me by always getting upon the subject of figures. I do so
wish he would try to forget that he once was Chancellor of the Exchequer.”
“And,” I continued, in a tone of awe, “ I believe you said that you had dined with His Royal Highness the --”
“ On more than one occasion,” he interrupted. Then he continued carelessly, but yet with a tone of some little pride, “ Yes,
His Royal Highness certainly has a very good audience when I am dining with him. I laugh at all his jokes, and ‘ Hear! hear ! ’ aU his statements.”
I could not help wondering how such a man could be on terms of such easy familiarity with so illustrious a personage. Per
haps my ears had deceived me. I w ould test them.
“ You said, I think, that your name was Snooks?”
“(luite right,” he replied—“ Snooks of Battersea, tallow-chandler and philanthropist.”
“ And—pardon me—knowing aU these grand people—Princes of the Blood, States
men, and distinguished Men of Letters— you are not happy ? ”
“ No,” he said, mournfully, “ they bore me out of my life, but I have grown so accustomed to them that I can’t leave them off. But it’s killing me—it’s killing me! ”
“ What’s killing you ? ”
“ The watery soup, the uncooked salmon, the tepid entrees, the undrinkable Champagne?’
‘ Why not partake of simpler fare?” I asked in a tone of consolation, as I saw that he was very deeply moved.
“ I must do as they do,” he replied with a sigh. “ And yet it must be very bad for both of us.”
I did not quite understand him, and told him so.”
“ It will tell upon the Prince in the long run,” he exclaimed, excitedly; “and I am sure it will kill the Duke. Why, he looks as ill as I do ! ”
I waited for more.
“ And the hour too! Fancy dining at six or half-past six o’clock ! But that reminds me, it is time that I should be off to dress ! Farewell! ”
I could not let him leave me so abruptly. He had thoroughly excited my curiosity. Besides, I had a duty to perform—to investigate mysteries for the benefit of humanity.
“ Stay! ” I said firmly, but not unkindly, I must speak plainly. You are plebeian by birth, education, and employment. You do not possess any charm of manner or conversation. And yet you are constantly meeting the cherished members of the highest society! ”
“But I pay for it! ” he cried. “ Oh, the watery soupf oh, the uncooked fish! oh, the undrinkable Champagne! But I must be gone—the hour grows late—it is time that I should dress ! Unhand me ! let me go ! ”
“ Never! ” I cried, fiercely, “ until I know your secret! Snooks—plebeian Snooks !— now7 do you manage this ? ”
“ Look at my wasted figure, my careworn face, my weary expression! Is not your question answered?” And he sighed heavily.
“ No ! ” I replied, sternly. And then I repeated, “ How do you manage to meet these illustrious men ? ”
“ By feeding every night of my life at a guinea charitable dinner! ” And he sobbed like a child!
“ Alas! unhappy one! ” I exclaimed with a burst of indescribable emotion, as the Doomed One drove away in a hansom.
I have never seen him since ! I can only suppose that the philanthropic Champagne has Killed him !
Lecturer. “Now let an yoke gaze steadfastly on any Object—say, for instance, his Wife’s Eye—and he ll see himself looking so exceedingly small, that -- ” Strong-minded Lady (in Front Row). “Hear! Hear! Hear!”
“CHARITY” COVERS A MULTITUDE OF SINS!
(A Fragment from the Diary of our paid Philanthropist.)
His appearance moved me strangely. He had a pale cheek, a bloodshot eye, an air of chronic depression. And yet he had evidently moved in the best society, had fared upon the choicest viands of tho pastrycook’s art. I continued our conversation.
“ You have met the Duke of Loamshire ? ” I suggested.
“ Frequently,” he replied. “In fact, we are always dining together. You must know him—little man, with Jewish nose, who stutters fearfully.”
“No,” 1 admitted humbly; “I confess I have not the honour of his Grace’s acquaintance. And I think you said that you had come across Mr. Cabinet Seat, a distinguished Member of the last Government? ”
“Certainly. He bothers me by always getting upon the subject of figures. I do so
wish he would try to forget that he once was Chancellor of the Exchequer.”
“And,” I continued, in a tone of awe, “ I believe you said that you had dined with His Royal Highness the --”
“ On more than one occasion,” he interrupted. Then he continued carelessly, but yet with a tone of some little pride, “ Yes,
His Royal Highness certainly has a very good audience when I am dining with him. I laugh at all his jokes, and ‘ Hear! hear ! ’ aU his statements.”
I could not help wondering how such a man could be on terms of such easy familiarity with so illustrious a personage. Per
haps my ears had deceived me. I w ould test them.
“ You said, I think, that your name was Snooks?”
“(luite right,” he replied—“ Snooks of Battersea, tallow-chandler and philanthropist.”
“ And—pardon me—knowing aU these grand people—Princes of the Blood, States
men, and distinguished Men of Letters— you are not happy ? ”
“ No,” he said, mournfully, “ they bore me out of my life, but I have grown so accustomed to them that I can’t leave them off. But it’s killing me—it’s killing me! ”
“ What’s killing you ? ”
“ The watery soup, the uncooked salmon, the tepid entrees, the undrinkable Champagne?’
‘ Why not partake of simpler fare?” I asked in a tone of consolation, as I saw that he was very deeply moved.
“ I must do as they do,” he replied with a sigh. “ And yet it must be very bad for both of us.”
I did not quite understand him, and told him so.”
“ It will tell upon the Prince in the long run,” he exclaimed, excitedly; “and I am sure it will kill the Duke. Why, he looks as ill as I do ! ”
I waited for more.
“ And the hour too! Fancy dining at six or half-past six o’clock ! But that reminds me, it is time that I should be off to dress ! Farewell! ”
I could not let him leave me so abruptly. He had thoroughly excited my curiosity. Besides, I had a duty to perform—to investigate mysteries for the benefit of humanity.
“ Stay! ” I said firmly, but not unkindly, I must speak plainly. You are plebeian by birth, education, and employment. You do not possess any charm of manner or conversation. And yet you are constantly meeting the cherished members of the highest society! ”
“But I pay for it! ” he cried. “ Oh, the watery soupf oh, the uncooked fish! oh, the undrinkable Champagne! But I must be gone—the hour grows late—it is time that I should dress ! Unhand me ! let me go ! ”
“ Never! ” I cried, fiercely, “ until I know your secret! Snooks—plebeian Snooks !— now7 do you manage this ? ”
“ Look at my wasted figure, my careworn face, my weary expression! Is not your question answered?” And he sighed heavily.
“ No ! ” I replied, sternly. And then I repeated, “ How do you manage to meet these illustrious men ? ”
“ By feeding every night of my life at a guinea charitable dinner! ” And he sobbed like a child!
“ Alas! unhappy one! ” I exclaimed with a burst of indescribable emotion, as the Doomed One drove away in a hansom.
I have never seen him since ! I can only suppose that the philanthropic Champagne has Killed him !