A ROYAL REMEDY FOR IRELAND.
Punch, me boy ! this is the idea ! Aren’t we the most loyal people injhe world when we know who it is we ’ ve got to he loyal to ? Don’t we make the best soldiers of the
British Empire ? Where ’a be fyour police force without ns ? Aren’t we first-rate under fire and on water ? Haven’t the best English soldiers been Irish ? And this in spite of our grievances—for divil a doubt but we’ve had ’em, from the curse o’ Cromwell till now— and in spite of all the troubles that have afflicted the most distressful country that’s in the four quarters of the globe or elsewhere. Sir, let the Queen and the Prince of Wales, and
the Princess—bless her purty face, the darlint!—and the Duke O’Connatjght just come over here, and see if they couldn’t walk from one end o’ the country to the other, barrin’ the rivers, without a hair of their heads being injured. They’d be as safe among us as they are in Buckingham Palace or Windsor Castle, and a hundred times more welcome than at Balmoral, which might be just given up for a time while the Court came and took their diversion over in Dublin. They’d have an elegant time of it here, and the height o’ good living, eating and drinking. Let Her Gracious Majesty come and see the finest peasantry in Europe ; let her Gracious Self sit on her throne in the Castle—more power to her !—with the Protestant Archbishop on one side, and the Catholic Cardinal on t’other, and receive the people, her own tenantry, who’d come up and tell her the truth. What ’ud be the Land Court to the Queen’s Court that would redress all our wrongs f And when she had to return, couldn’t she leave the Duke of Connaught to keep up the festivities, and make a tour round the
Emerald Isle — a real gem in her Crown!—like the Governor-General has been doing ? and then may be His Royal Highness will find in an Irish peasant’s cabin what Lord Loene saw in the Indian hut—a likeness of Mr. Gladstone, with underneath it written “ Waywaysekappoo,” or “ He who is always right”*—which can be much more neatly expressed in our own dear old tongue. Then I’d like to ask you where’d be the Land League with their dollars ?—sure, Ireland must be in a dollarous condition when it depends on such a supply as that!— where’d be Mr. Paknell and iMr. Dillon and Mr. Biggae and the rest of ’em ? Where ? Why, if they ’re the true patriots they profess themselves, they’d be in official positions, faithfully serving our Queen and the loyal Irish people.—Yours, Larry Doolan
[Of the Irish Jaunting Car).
P.S,—Talking of Lord Loene, that Indian who said to the Governor-General, “We Indians are stupid at understanding—all I want to ask is, did we give our lands away ? must have been an Irishman, barrin’ the stupidity.
* Or was this somehow slipped into the Times by the crafty librettist and composer of Claude Duval at the Olympic, who wished to advertise their song, “ William is sure to be right l ” It certainly does look suspicions.—Ed.
OUR GARDEN.
In last Friday’s Times we read:—
“ The Duke op Bedford.—The Duke and Duchess of Bedford and Ladies Russell are expected to leave Norris Castle, Isle of Wight, to-morrow for Eaton Square.”
As “ to-morrow ” was Saturday, we sincerely hope that the party arrived in the morning, and that, instead of taking a short cut home, His Grace drove up Wellington Street, made at once for Mud-Salad Market, and, with a bottle of salts and a well-scented pockethandkerchief to his nose, examined the streets “ all round and about that quarter,” whose greasy,
filthy, muck-heapy state is still a disgrace to the Metropolis in general, and this Dukery in particular.
OUR CHANGE AND BARTER COLUMN.
dvantageous offer.— a London
Clergyman of good position, who, as residuary legatee, has suddenly come into possession of a first-class FIRE-ESCAPE, for which he
has, unfortunately, no available accommodation on his premises, will be prepared to treat for its dis
posal on extremely liberal terms. Though oldfashioned, it is, on the whole, in excellent condi
tion, having sliding rack, adjusting hooks, safety netting (very little damaged), and Binks’s Patent Fifth-Floor Elongators. The mounting being easy, and descent almost instantaneous, it would prove invaluable in a library of lofty and imposing proportions, to a literary Nobleman of an irritable and impatient habit. Cut down with judgment, it could also be utilised as a Landau, and driven in the Park with much effect. A bachelor of in
dependent andretiringtasteSjlivingon an elevated flat, yet desirous of avoiding the publicity of the staircase, would find this an excellent contri
vance for quitting and returning to his chambers in a quiet and secluded manner. Might be used also for landing at out-of-the-way and inaccessible spots on the coast by an economical yachting party anxious to escape pier-dues. Has been tried and found to make excellent firewood, and has occasionally served as an invalid chair. No offer refused. Small premium will be given on removal. — Apply, Rev. Hopeful, Cramfield Court, Block Lane, E.
echanical curiosity.—a genuine
Bavarian Seventeenth-Century Clock to be disposed of. Stands nine -feet high, tells day of month, phases of moon, state of tides, list of the British Ministry for the time being, and chimes on a cathedral gong at the half-quarters. Indi
cates the quarters by playing a popular overture on a full wind band, with drums and trumpets.
Announces by a life-like imitation of a salute of twenty-one guns, the hour, which is proclaimed by the screech of a jewelled peacock, rising from the centre of the dial, and distinctly heard on a still night at a distance of half a mile. As it is keyless and self-winding, it can never run down.
In a sick-room, where a restless invalid required cheering towards the small hours of the morning,
this triumph of ingenuity would prove a priceless boon. For further particulars, apply Wakem and Stunn, Practical Clock Makers, The Teufel Platz, Babelsburg.
O ARCHITECTS.—A Gentleman of cul
tured tastes, who, having been by a sudden discontinuance of a patent medicine, unexpect
edly but completely cured of a hopeless malady, is anxious to part with, as soon as possible, a very
handsome MAUSOLEUM, which, regardless of expense, he had had designed and constructed for his future use by an eminent Academician. It is roomy, airy, and of comparatively cheerful
elevation, and would make an admirable provinical Savings’ Bank, in a competition of designs for which it has already three times carried off the
Second Prize. Would also furnish a splendid loose box for a sporting Duke of a sombre turn,
or, with slight and characteristic additions, supply a striking faqade for a theatre devoted to modem burlesque. As this really cheerful lot must be parted with, no reasonable proposal for an ex
change will be refused. “ Fireworks ” may write.—Redivivus, Post-Office, Gravesend.
TMMEDIATE BUSINESS.—A Gentleman, A of largo fortune, who is heir presumptive to the entire property of Colney Hatch, and has for years been studying back numbers of the Exchange and Mart, wishes instantly to part with, at any sacrifice, his invaluable Collection of International Milk-jugs. Would take in exchange an equal number of revolving umbrellas, suicides, Austrian Emperors, four-in-hand clubs (slightly damaged), railway ticket slips, clockwork megatheriums, or interviews, without a third person being present, with any respectable fumily Solicitor. No objection to travel. Three years’ hire system pre
ferred.—Apply, on premises, by fog signal, to A. B. C. (registered), between the hours of two and three a.m.—N.B. Muzzle the keeper.
Punch, me boy ! this is the idea ! Aren’t we the most loyal people injhe world when we know who it is we ’ ve got to he loyal to ? Don’t we make the best soldiers of the
British Empire ? Where ’a be fyour police force without ns ? Aren’t we first-rate under fire and on water ? Haven’t the best English soldiers been Irish ? And this in spite of our grievances—for divil a doubt but we’ve had ’em, from the curse o’ Cromwell till now— and in spite of all the troubles that have afflicted the most distressful country that’s in the four quarters of the globe or elsewhere. Sir, let the Queen and the Prince of Wales, and
the Princess—bless her purty face, the darlint!—and the Duke O’Connatjght just come over here, and see if they couldn’t walk from one end o’ the country to the other, barrin’ the rivers, without a hair of their heads being injured. They’d be as safe among us as they are in Buckingham Palace or Windsor Castle, and a hundred times more welcome than at Balmoral, which might be just given up for a time while the Court came and took their diversion over in Dublin. They’d have an elegant time of it here, and the height o’ good living, eating and drinking. Let Her Gracious Majesty come and see the finest peasantry in Europe ; let her Gracious Self sit on her throne in the Castle—more power to her !—with the Protestant Archbishop on one side, and the Catholic Cardinal on t’other, and receive the people, her own tenantry, who’d come up and tell her the truth. What ’ud be the Land Court to the Queen’s Court that would redress all our wrongs f And when she had to return, couldn’t she leave the Duke of Connaught to keep up the festivities, and make a tour round the
Emerald Isle — a real gem in her Crown!—like the Governor-General has been doing ? and then may be His Royal Highness will find in an Irish peasant’s cabin what Lord Loene saw in the Indian hut—a likeness of Mr. Gladstone, with underneath it written “ Waywaysekappoo,” or “ He who is always right”*—which can be much more neatly expressed in our own dear old tongue. Then I’d like to ask you where’d be the Land League with their dollars ?—sure, Ireland must be in a dollarous condition when it depends on such a supply as that!— where’d be Mr. Paknell and iMr. Dillon and Mr. Biggae and the rest of ’em ? Where ? Why, if they ’re the true patriots they profess themselves, they’d be in official positions, faithfully serving our Queen and the loyal Irish people.—Yours, Larry Doolan
[Of the Irish Jaunting Car).
P.S,—Talking of Lord Loene, that Indian who said to the Governor-General, “We Indians are stupid at understanding—all I want to ask is, did we give our lands away ? must have been an Irishman, barrin’ the stupidity.
* Or was this somehow slipped into the Times by the crafty librettist and composer of Claude Duval at the Olympic, who wished to advertise their song, “ William is sure to be right l ” It certainly does look suspicions.—Ed.
OUR GARDEN.
In last Friday’s Times we read:—
“ The Duke op Bedford.—The Duke and Duchess of Bedford and Ladies Russell are expected to leave Norris Castle, Isle of Wight, to-morrow for Eaton Square.”
As “ to-morrow ” was Saturday, we sincerely hope that the party arrived in the morning, and that, instead of taking a short cut home, His Grace drove up Wellington Street, made at once for Mud-Salad Market, and, with a bottle of salts and a well-scented pockethandkerchief to his nose, examined the streets “ all round and about that quarter,” whose greasy,
filthy, muck-heapy state is still a disgrace to the Metropolis in general, and this Dukery in particular.
OUR CHANGE AND BARTER COLUMN.
A
dvantageous offer.— a London
Clergyman of good position, who, as residuary legatee, has suddenly come into possession of a first-class FIRE-ESCAPE, for which he
has, unfortunately, no available accommodation on his premises, will be prepared to treat for its dis
posal on extremely liberal terms. Though oldfashioned, it is, on the whole, in excellent condi
tion, having sliding rack, adjusting hooks, safety netting (very little damaged), and Binks’s Patent Fifth-Floor Elongators. The mounting being easy, and descent almost instantaneous, it would prove invaluable in a library of lofty and imposing proportions, to a literary Nobleman of an irritable and impatient habit. Cut down with judgment, it could also be utilised as a Landau, and driven in the Park with much effect. A bachelor of in
dependent andretiringtasteSjlivingon an elevated flat, yet desirous of avoiding the publicity of the staircase, would find this an excellent contri
vance for quitting and returning to his chambers in a quiet and secluded manner. Might be used also for landing at out-of-the-way and inaccessible spots on the coast by an economical yachting party anxious to escape pier-dues. Has been tried and found to make excellent firewood, and has occasionally served as an invalid chair. No offer refused. Small premium will be given on removal. — Apply, Rev. Hopeful, Cramfield Court, Block Lane, E.
M
echanical curiosity.—a genuine
Bavarian Seventeenth-Century Clock to be disposed of. Stands nine -feet high, tells day of month, phases of moon, state of tides, list of the British Ministry for the time being, and chimes on a cathedral gong at the half-quarters. Indi
cates the quarters by playing a popular overture on a full wind band, with drums and trumpets.
Announces by a life-like imitation of a salute of twenty-one guns, the hour, which is proclaimed by the screech of a jewelled peacock, rising from the centre of the dial, and distinctly heard on a still night at a distance of half a mile. As it is keyless and self-winding, it can never run down.
In a sick-room, where a restless invalid required cheering towards the small hours of the morning,
this triumph of ingenuity would prove a priceless boon. For further particulars, apply Wakem and Stunn, Practical Clock Makers, The Teufel Platz, Babelsburg.
T
O ARCHITECTS.—A Gentleman of cul
tured tastes, who, having been by a sudden discontinuance of a patent medicine, unexpect
edly but completely cured of a hopeless malady, is anxious to part with, as soon as possible, a very
handsome MAUSOLEUM, which, regardless of expense, he had had designed and constructed for his future use by an eminent Academician. It is roomy, airy, and of comparatively cheerful
elevation, and would make an admirable provinical Savings’ Bank, in a competition of designs for which it has already three times carried off the
Second Prize. Would also furnish a splendid loose box for a sporting Duke of a sombre turn,
or, with slight and characteristic additions, supply a striking faqade for a theatre devoted to modem burlesque. As this really cheerful lot must be parted with, no reasonable proposal for an ex
change will be refused. “ Fireworks ” may write.—Redivivus, Post-Office, Gravesend.
TMMEDIATE BUSINESS.—A Gentleman, A of largo fortune, who is heir presumptive to the entire property of Colney Hatch, and has for years been studying back numbers of the Exchange and Mart, wishes instantly to part with, at any sacrifice, his invaluable Collection of International Milk-jugs. Would take in exchange an equal number of revolving umbrellas, suicides, Austrian Emperors, four-in-hand clubs (slightly damaged), railway ticket slips, clockwork megatheriums, or interviews, without a third person being present, with any respectable fumily Solicitor. No objection to travel. Three years’ hire system pre
ferred.—Apply, on premises, by fog signal, to A. B. C. (registered), between the hours of two and three a.m.—N.B. Muzzle the keeper.